Jokes and Links

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Jokes, Links, and other Crazy Things!

how it all began

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone
pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading; as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied,
"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.. And that is how it all began.

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Binary Insult
Ever find people you just REALLY want to insult and give 'em a good whack at the same time? Tell 'em this:
01111001011011110111010101100001011100100110010101100100011101010110110101100010
It's binary, and it translates as 'You're an idiot'. That's right, they will spend 10 minutes decoding 'you're an idiot'

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Bill gates GM car debate

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

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Urgent news!
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of "Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing (NCNA) -- Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, and within minutes, France and Italy surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Botswana established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Sri Lanka, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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Net sayings

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Children's books that never made it:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. 'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
30. 'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'
31. 'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
32. 'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
33. 'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
34. 'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
35. 'Bi-Curious George'
36. 'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
37. 'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

If I had a dog, I'd name him Jesus. That way when religious people came to my door and asked me if I had Jesus in my heart I could reply, "No, I've got him chained to the back fence."

B-Side
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this? What a shame sir!
We'll find you another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

fffffffffffffffffffmyfffffffffffffffffffffffffffke yffffffffffffffffffffisfffffffffffffffstuck

I can imagine a perfect world, a world without hate, a world without war. Then I can imagine us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

You know what is fun? Doing your algebra homework at 4am while wired on caffeine and watching old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. Sure I screwed up the rotation matrices... Mmmmm, matrices, I feel like watching that movie. I had a really scary incident the other day, I had this really intense feeling of Deja Vu. I mean everything I did for about 5 minutes seemed so familiar, like I'd done all of it before, in the same order. That's it, Microsoft must be in on the Matrix if there are that many glitches in the software. I've discovered their conspiracy, all because of Rocky and Bullwinkle and algebra homework. I think that's frightening.

Writing a poem
In seventeen syllables
Is very diffi

LOGIC "Nothing is better than eternal happiness. A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness."

What does this button d-
Segmentation Error
#_
"Any man who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them"

"The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing, if you can fake that you've got it made"

"With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now"

"He may talk like an idiot, look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot."

"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas Ill never know."
- Groucho Marx

Users are like bacteria - each one causes a thousand tiny crises until the host finally gives up and dies.

Where are we going, and what's with this damn handbasket?

bah, i hate the "Back" button, it always takes to me to places i have allready been

"The three great virtues of a programmer:
laziness,impatience, and hubris."
--Larry Wall

As long I can make people do my work I'm happy - Dilbert's way of life I guess :-)
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy :Þ

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A friend
A friend will always bail you out of jail. But a Best Friend will be sitting right next you you saying "that was FUCKING AWSOME!"

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Safety First
Okay, are we safe, yet?
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator , Alan Pinkerton, for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large letters across their backs: "FATASS." I feel safer already.

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Fire Truck

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner" the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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The Golden Urinals
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay

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One Dark Secret
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work,
and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."

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Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson...... Paging Mr. Johnson.....
12) You need to bring your tray table tto the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open,Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.....
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pentalones.
2) I'm talkin about Shaft, can u dig it?
And The Number One Way To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..........
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

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For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.
(1)When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help
you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who
made you sad.
(2) When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge
whatever's choking you.
(3)When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.
(4) When you are worried...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit
whining.
(5) When you are confused...I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.
(6)When you are sick... Stay away from me until you're
well again; I don't want whatever you have.
(7) When you fall...I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge till the end. Why you may
ask?...Because you're my friend. Send to ten of your
closest friends and get depressed because you only
have 2 friends, and one's not speaking to you right
now anyway.

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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friend....is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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hmmmm...i am a joke (well my "friends" say that so: ) hahahaahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaahahahahahah :( !!!!!!!!!

It was the day after Christmas at a little country church. The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in it was the figure of the baby Jesus.
So he walked up to the little boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got Him at church." "And why did you take Him?" asked the pastor.
The little boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

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For you web makers out there who are pissed at people right clicking on your site. Here's an HTML for you!

</div>
<script language=JavaScript>

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The Rules: From the Male Perspective
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the
rules from the male side. Please note these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us crying about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday =football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the biggest reasons guys fear getting married is that women always cut their hair, and by then he's stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail. (Unless you just finished watching The Natural, Rudy or Pride of the Yankees.)
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. just say it.
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Then, remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair (out of 30) would look good with your dress?
1. 'Yes' and 'No' are the standard (and perfectly acceptable) answers to 'Yes and No' type questions. If you want us to elaborate, say so when asking.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Did Christopher Columbus need directions? Enough said.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Therefore, our lack of mind- reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
1. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping!

I didnt write it, just got it in an email and thought how true it really was .

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Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a
naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start
flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

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Exercise
-It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add
one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

-My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

-The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again!

-I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't
lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up

-I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.

-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

-The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

-If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.

And last but not least:
- I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my
glass.

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Dieting
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies. Enjoy!

* The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

* The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

* The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

* The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

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You've no doubt seen some of these before but I think they're worth a re-read.

ONLY IN AMERICA:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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EVER WONDER:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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SOME ACTUAL LABELS:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late,huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread:
Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

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Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

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It is clear that Anime does not function according to the laws of physics as we know them. Thus, an enterprising Nerd came up with a reworked set of them to apply to our Japanimation friends. Have fun reading them, even if you don't watch anime.

25 Laws of Japanese Animation

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity: The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation: Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics: In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion: In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion: The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability: Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality: 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality: It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis: Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity: Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability: Everything explodes. Everything.

First Corrallary: Anything that explodes bulges first.

#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission: Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13 - Law of Energetic Emission: There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude: The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional its size.

#15 - Law of Inexhaustability: No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy: The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.

First Corrallary: The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

Second Corrallary: Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

Third Corrallary: Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability: Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)

#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity: The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood. Sometimes more.

#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency: Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.

#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability: Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability: Tactical geniuses aren't....

#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability: People never notice the little things.... Like a missing body part, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality: Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism: The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.

#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority: The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.

First Corrallary: The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)

Second Corrallary: The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

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What Makes 100%???

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and,

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Never thought about it like that before, huh??

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Hate those idiots at the mall who take up 2 spots? Sweet Revenge!
Slap one of these "I LOVE PORN" MAGNETIC bumper signs on their car.
They wont notice until they get home!..

http://www.FunnyMailing.com/pranks.asp
PLUS check out these WEENIE BABIES (not for the faint hearted)
I bought the whole collection and gave them away to my friends...

http://www.FunnyMailing.com/weenie.asp

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The List of Phobias
some of these are seriously hilarious, youjust gotta wonder how do you live with THAT kinda fear?!?!

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